I think it is possibly my basic assumption that I’m clever that really screws me on occasion. Because this assumption means that when I do something phenomenally stupid, I can’t just let it go. I dwell on it, I feel strong temptations to kick myself repeatedly. In the case of this particular stunning display of idiocy, I considered suicide solely as a tribute to natural selection.

What did I do? I lost my passport. Not that bad, one might say. At this juncture I will point out that I am perfectly aware that a passport is not necessary to fly to England. The several hundred people who pointed this out to me mid-crisis were, I am aware, attempting to be helpful. However, seeing as I don’t have a driver’s license, and seeing as I need a damn passport to a) open a bank account b) apply for a NI no. and c) start my job, this information was not so helpful as it might otherwise have been. Why was all this so phenomenally stupid? Well, for a start I suspect I lost it a week prior to the day when I actually realised I had lost it.

Here is what you do when you lose your passport, the day before moving to a different country, where you have no address, and no valid identification. Oh, and the next 2 days are bank holidays, and you have just gotten 3 hours sleep after going to bed at 8am on New Years Eve.

Step 1. Leap into action, there is no hangover cure like instant blind panic.

Step 2. Google for “emergency passport ireland”. You will find the number for the emergency passport guy in the Department of Foreign Affairs. Telephone him and calmly state your ludicrously badly planned dilemma.

Step 3. Depending on your location you will be called back by either the Dublin or Cork passport office, who’s polite and helpful manner will reassure you that there are many stupid people in the world, and they are used to dealing with this kind of disaster.

Step 4. Find a friend or relative willing to drive you to Cork/Dublin at 7am the next morning, or if you are fortunate enough to have a car, go yourself.

Step 5. Reduce previous panicked state to one of merely fretting.

Step 6. Follow instructions of passport office, and collect your emergency passport.

Step 7. Move to England