Zen and the art of stupid fucking questions
Years ago, my mother told me that she thought I had a very black and white way of looking at the world. To my adolescent mind this seemed almost an insult, I thought I was liberal, a free-thinker, an introspective testament to open-mindedness. I didn’t realise until a long time later that the capacity to decide what I think didn’t invalidate any of these descriptions. I am a cynic, and I am an idealist. I am the former as a result of the latter. I see how the world should work, and I know it will never be achieved. I see what people could be, and what they aren’t.
Someone asked me last week what my definition of right and wrong was, and laughed when I replied “What you should do, and what you shouldn’t do.� But in its simplest and most basic form, that is the answer. Why complicate it? Most of the time you either know it already, or you call it a grey area. The truth is that there are no grey areas. Just things you haven’t thought about in the right way.
I wrote as a comment somewhere recently that grey areas are perceived because people do not like extremes, and do not like to use them when they form opinions. But extremes are the only test of logic. If an opinion does not hold up in its most extreme context, then that opinion is wrong. And yes, an opinion can be wrong. Deal with it. My opinions are extreme because they are obliged to be, because they would be worthless if they were not.
Do I ignore other points of view? No, that would be foolish, they are valuable in determining the correct answer to questions I cannot answer myself, or have answered incorrectly. If I thought that I knew everything then opinions would unnecessary, because I would know.
It has been suggested to me that there are no stupid questions. I would be inclined to agree with this statement, except for the existence of what I can only call smartass questions. Questions which in this age of existentialist wank we are meant to be confused by, they are meant to convey some deep and profound meaning which we are just a few steps away from grasping. Except that they are in fact a pile of utter horse poo. I will now answer a couple of these questions in an attempt to clarify.
Stupid question - If a tree falls in the forest and there is no-one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Obvious Reply – Define sound. If its something you hear, then the structure of the question implies that the answer is no. If it is something that exists independent of measure then clearly the answer is yes. If you’re a budding quantum physicist, fuck off. I have no time for people who reject the concept of reality.
Stupid question – What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Obvious Reply – Since the definition of clapping is the act of bringing both hands together, this question is what I like to call nonsense. One might as well ask what it looks like when you do a handstand with your feet.
These stupid questions are apparently called Koans, and are meant to be Zen riddles. But I could generate a thousand of them simply by constructing sentences which are almost logical, but are in fact complete nonsense. They are not profound, they are not clever. They are a trick to give the impression of profundity and cleverness. If these actually originated in Buddhism, then I need no more proof than that to think it is a crock of shit. Something worth listening to would not want to attract the kind of spiritual up-your-own-arse-ness of people who ask these questions in company. I’ve got a better question.
If you don’t believe anything really exists, then why do you behave as if it does? Why conform to laws that you don’t believe in? Why do anything? Comments here you fucking hippies, I’d be genuinely interested to know.
March 3rd, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Did I never tell you that I have long since revised my “black and white” description of you. I think you are a very colourful person–especially your language!! I cannot think for the life of me where you picked up this trait!!
My smiley won’t work so I’ve lost my humour factor.
No stupid questions but lots of stupid people!!
March 6th, 2006 at 9:50 am
Mother, a smiley cannot stop working. Rest assured that you are doing it wrong :)
March 7th, 2006 at 10:01 am
Hello….I’m Artemis! My name is Artemis and I came across your blog ….is your name really Artemis! Are you Persian? How old are you? email me if you get a chance!
March 7th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Hello Artemis,
No, artemis is not my actual name, it is a nick I use to talk online. I am not Persian, and I am probably much older than you if you are still at the stage of asking random strangers to email you.
Yours,
/artemis
How deeply worrying. I hope this blog is not becoming googleable.
March 7th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
http://www.google.ie/search?q=artemis+%2B+blog&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official
Google knows all, see’s all, and soon will taste all.
March 9th, 2006 at 3:57 am
Well, my small brother has the ability to clap one of his hands. I must get him to show you some time.
March 10th, 2006 at 10:02 am
Because I can’t find your email address:
http://www.aerarann.ie/
Now, come to Galway, you know you want to!!!!!
March 13th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
But not with Aer Arann…….. :-(
Interesting pile of wank there (to use your phrase).
There is no such thing as stupid questions - just stupid answers.
Sound can be measured (in Bells) therefore it can exist without anyone being around to see said tree fall.
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
March 31st, 2006 at 2:42 pm
Atremis, how i miss our metaphysical meanderings.
Mummy of Artemis, not one expletive will you find here, I bow to those who’s skill in such matters is far greater than mine…
There are stupid questions, and stupid answers, and stupid people to ask or answer, but most stupid of all, are those who do not understand. If I have inadvertantly called anybody stupid, then, dont worry, you will get over it…
The problem is not the question, nor indeed the answer.
The problem lies with apparantly smart people who try to provide the smart answer. I know this to be true, I am intermittently one of those people. I’ve played around with Zen, with or without motorcycle maitenance, and to hell with multicoloured wheelbarrows.
I have come to the conclusion that it is merely a tool to keep idle minds occupied. I’ve also come to believe that it is an entirely alien concept for someone brought up in a western culture. But i stray from my point…
The point is not the answer, nor the question, but the uncertain state between the knowing and the unknown. The place where all the answers exist, but none are concrete, the place from which all the questions you have not yet formed begin and yet cease to be… it is the state of Zen which is sought after, and if sought after, it will be forever out of reach. And it doesnt get more Zen than that…
March 31st, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Zen : the state of seeking something which once sought, becomes out of reach. And therefore to search you must stop searching, and go back to the state you occupied before. Zen is an excuse for not changing :)
By its nature it allows stagnation, a spherical sworl of thought which can be traversed in a thousand different ways but will always return you to the same point eventually. You can spend a lifetime travelling roads that go nowhere.
So the question is, what is the point, the journey, or the destination? Unless you do not seek a point, in which case fall over and stop breathing, for you are not really alive…
*smile* Welcome back to the web Akashla, how I’ve missed you :)
April 17th, 2006 at 10:30 am
Oh, but I disagree. (but of course, how else would life be interesting?)
Zen is not an excuse for not changing.
An excuse is only ever an excuse.
The reason for not changing cannot be Zen as Zen itself welcomes change, uses change, uses contradictory states even, to explain itself.
A person, however, can use whatever excuse they can think of, regardless of its aptness.
All roads go somewhere.
They cannot go nowhere.
At the very least, the end of the road is the end of the road.
It is not the fault of philosophy if one sees nothing where there may be something.
And of course the journey is the point, the destination is completely arbitrary.
Its wherever you stop.