If there is anything I have learned about New York since arriving here 2 and a half months ago, it is that of all places in america, this city must be the most accurately portrayed on tv. Seinfeld, Sex and the City, you name it and if its about New York then there are people and places and situations exactly like the ones you are seeing every Tuesday at 8 on Fox. With the possible exception of anything about vampires. But I can’t rule it out.
Consider then for a moment, how often women in these shows are approached by random guys, how casually people are asked out on dates, and how the dating scene in general is intrisically connected to lets face it, motherfucking _everything_. Then consider how goddamn annoying this must be, if you are female and under the age of 50.
Perhaps I am being biased, perhaps I have just had ridiculous experiences, or perhaps its just manhattan. I am fully prepared to believe any and all of those things. But so far, my understanding of the process of dating in New York is as follows.
If you are male:
Go to a bar. Any bar.
Check for women sitting alone at the bar. If there aren’t any, go to a different bar and repeat this step.
Pick a female at the bar and order a drink beside her Ask if there is anyone sitting there, or if she is waiting for someone. If she says no, sit down, and commence politely asking questions.
Once you have established her name, the next step is to ask what she does for a living. If you are a penniless bum this establishes whether she is a good catch, if you are an investment banker this is to establish that she is not after your money. Or if you a particularly repellent and weird investment banker, that she is after your money and so might remain interested even when you turn out to be a sleazy asshole.
Anticipate the reciprocal question and answer in as impressive a fashion as possible. For example, if you fix the air-conditioning for the offices of the hedge fund across the street, you can say you work at Lehmann Brothers as an engineer. This is all entirely acceptable and routine exaggeration that no woman could blame you for.
Show off your knowledge of everything as much as possible. Feel free to wax lyrical about rennaissance art, experimental blues, tuscan cooking, how much you enjoy long term relationships and like to cuddle, how wonderful it would be to find your soulmate. Or if you are intellectually challenged, just allude to your sexual prowess. Women love it when men advertise in this blatant, embarassing and pretentious fashion.
If you are black, from Brooklyn, and have a dead-end job and no college education then you are probaby hitting on a white girl in manhattan (in fact its probably me, since 90% of the guys who hit on me match this description), so hint about how your penis is almost certainly superior to your target’s previous experiences. White girls are always impressed by that. Make sure to drop ‘you know what they say…’ into the conversation. It’s so subtle it is practically subconscious.
Offer to buy her a drink if you think there may be a return on your investment. Remember, you may need to try this with quite a few women before hitting the jackpot, buying all of them a drink might cut the evening short due to lack of funds.
Flatter her as much as you can manage, use any excuse to tell her how wonderful and intelligent she is, despite the fact that you know nothing about her whatsoever. Use the word “sexy” prolifically. Explain how she is everything in the list of incredibly vague and shallow things you look for in a woman.
When you have managed to converse in this fashion with a woman without being ignored or slapped for a full 45 minutes, you can try asking for her number, or a date. However the longer the conversation continues, the more chance you have of obtaining these, so hold off for as long as you can.
Regardless of the outcome, do not devote the entire evening to one chick unless you think you are going to score right now! Calmly and politely take your leave before the end of the evening, with or without her contact details. If you do not have them by now then clearly she has been too foolish to know what she is missing.
Repeat the procedure with the next girl you find, everyone knows two dates are better than one. You are hedging, all clever people do that. If you want to protect your initial investment, you might even take the precaution of conducting the second sortie in another bar, but this is usually considered overcautious.
If you are female:
Go to a bar. Any bar.
Sit at the bar, and order something. a drink, food, whatever.
Wait for approximately 180 seconds