I am Jack’s severely bruised everything… As I type this I can still feel the aching uselessness in my right arm even days after what I hereby refer to as The Amazing Snow Adventure. That’s right kids, I made my first tentative foray into winter sports. Actually that’s a lie, firstly because I once went ice-skating, and secondly because the word “tentative” should never be applied to any activity that intrinsically involves hurling oneself repeatedly down a hill.

An important point to note before I continue is as follows: Snowboarding is awesome. I feel I should establish this in advance in the hope that the following litany of drawbacks will be viewed in the correct manner, ie. as gratuitous whining. That being said, here follows my account of TASA…

As someone who enjoys going very fast and has pretty much no sense of self-preservation if there is a chance of doing something interesting involved, I was naturally delighted when L and her german proposed a day of snowboarding last weekend. Not only would I have transportation to the mountain and the loan of a jacket and gloves, I was also offered the benefit of the german’s experienced tutelage (which turned out to be most excellent). I also have to admit that I was certain I must have previous relevant experience. I had some kind of vague idea that the combined years of martial arts and longboarding would somehow merge to form automatic snowboarding skills. Hah! I’d fall off my chair in manic laughter at this point but it would hurt too much to get back up again.

The really funny part is that I was actually right. Skateboarding and martial arts _do_ give you wonderful experience that is of great use while snowboarding. But mainly because the most significant aspect of one’s first snowboarding experience by about a factor of 10 is falling over, and if nothing else, martial arts and longboarding prepare one marvellously for repeatedly falling on one’s ass, face, and pretty much everything else. So it was due to this that at the end of the day instead of being a bitter, grouchy, mean, sore, bruised, exhausted, freezing cold and sporadically damp individual, I was a relatively upbeat, sore, bruised, exhausted, freezing cold and sporadically damp individual

As stated previously, I had an excellent teacher, who spent the first hour or so being a crutch as well as an instructor while I got the feel of the board. Boy is it a weird sensation. The last refuge of the skater is the time-honoured tradition of jumping off the damn thing, which as long as you haven’t gotten beyond a fast running pace is rarely all that painful. So the complete lack of options inherent in having both feet strapped to something the size of a fucking ironing board can be somewhat disconcerting. Options for not dying consist of a list of two. Option 1 – fall over backward, and option 2 – fall over forward. Which I guess explains the current state of every bruise-able part of my body. You might believe that there is a third option called “stopping in an orderly and controlled fashion”, I assure you it is a mythical stage of enlightenment only available to people who have spent, well, more than a day at this.

I cannot count the times I fell on my ass. What I _can_ do is count the times it really fucking hurt in a “shite, maybe I’ve broken my coccyx” sort of way, which was about 3. By the time we finished up I was edging toward the graceful end of complete incompetence, and was able to accomplish a turn in each direction before unceremoniously falling on my butt. I even managed to slide to a gradual stop once, though this may have been aided by a conveniently located skier. I am immensely proud of these achievements, as would you be if you knew how goddamn fucking difficult it is. Truth be told I felt I could have done slightly better had I persevered, but after about 3 hours I was feeling sufficiently battered to call it a day.

Rule for Happiness (first-time snowboarding section):

1. Acknowledge that it will hurt. A lot. Live with it.
2. Get a helmet, skull fractures detract from the enjoyment
3. Be aware that if you are several inches taller than the friend who has loaned you their not-all-that-long-to-begin-with snowboarding jacket, it is quite likely that when falling over your bare back may in fact hit snow. This is an interestingly horrible realisation.
4. Do NOT take your gloves off, and then touch snow. This is a terrible terrible idea.
5. Do not imagine for a moment that you will do anything but lurch off the ski-lift like a drunk hippo
6. By all means however spend some time watching other snow boarders exit the ski-lift, in order to feel better about yourself and life in general
7. Bring spare clothing with you. This is vital for not freezing to death on your way home, particularly if you’ve experienced 3.
8. Do not plan to do anything or go anywhere after arriving home. You will be utterly exhausted, and will want to do nothing but jack up the heating to ludicrous settings and sleep.
9. Resist the urge to develop an instant contempt for skiers, with their detachable implements. It’s probably even harder to ski.
10. Invite me to come with you, so that I can show off my amazing 10-seconds-before-falling-over trick.