“Shall we?” “Let’s.” 2010 August 11 8:57
Posted by diamond in : Health,Random , trackbackOn saturday 2010-07-31, at the security gate in zurich airport around 05:40, Noirin and i broke up. We were supposed to be boarding a flight to Sweden, to attend Herräng swing dance camp. Noirin went through, i went home.
This is an attempt to describe why, what happened, what went wrong, how could it go this badly. This is an attempt to understand. This is for the close friends and family members who had no idea (esp. for my brother, and younger sister). This is for me when i try to remember how things were.
Before we got married, many people told us that the first year is like an extended honeymoon period, everything is fantastic. That the second year is when reality would start to kick in. This was so far off truth as to seem like a sick joke in retrospect. The first year was Hard. The second year was Really Hard. The third year broke us. Nov 2010 will be the third anniversary of our wedding.
Two big things contributed to this, plus a multitude of smaller things. I’m going to try and outline the two major factors, as i currently see them.
Memory
I am a man who has made 1000 promises, remembered 5, kept 3. When i tell people i have a really really bad memory, they almost always say “Oh, me too!”. They ask for examples, i can rarely remember any, so they assume i’m exaggerating. They also tell me it can’t be as bad as i say if i’m able to hold down a job. Life, as usual, just isn’t that simple.
My memory is the single biggest factor in our relationship breakdown. Every day, i tell Noirin i’ll do X,Y,Z, i won’t do Q,R,S, my opinions on subjects L,M,O. And every day, i’ll have zero, zero idea that i’ve said i’d do things we talked about only yesterday; i’ll do things i promised i wouldn’t do; i’ll have a completely new opinion on various subjects, having no idea that i had a different opinion on the subject only a few hours ago. Sometimes i realise later that i’d changed my opinion. Most of the time, i don’t.
Every day i’ll watch Noirin look crestfallen time and time again as i’ve failed to live up to my word. And i’ll have no clue what i’ve done or not done. And after this happens for the hundredth time, she just can’t muster the energy to explain again. What’s the point? I haven’t remembered the last 100 times she told me how she feels about something. I’m hardly about to remember it this time.
We talk, she gives me information that changes my opinion on something. The next time we talk, i’ve reverted to my original opinion, oblivious to the reasons i changed my opinion previously, oblivious even to the fact that i did change my opinion. It’s not fair on her. Not even close.
From my side, i live in a relationship of arbitrary rules. It’s *incredibly* frustrating. But i can’t expect Noirin to endlessly explain herself. It’s not fair on me. Not even close.
Doctors haven’t been able to tell me why i have memory issues. I haven’t slept properly in somewhere between 7 and 9 years. But it’s not clear that that’s the issue. I’ve had blood tests, thyroid exams, MRI’s. Nothing. Maybe it’s all psychological. Even so, i’m not aware of it, i can’t just flick a switch.
I’ve tried lists, i’ve tried harder, i’ve tried leaving myself reminders. I forget to look at the lists. I forget what the reminders are about. I feel stressed all the time, from the moment i wake up, to the moment i fall asleep. Constantly stressing about all the stuff i’m forgetting. And it makes it worse. But how do you stop caring, when you see how much damage it’s doing to your relationship?
From the other side, how can you trust someone who is utterly unreliable? You can’t. You try again and again, giving them chance after chance. And they almost always let you down. How can you stay in a relationship where you cannot name a single area you can trust your partner in? Noirin ended up taking care of all the finances, all the health and other insurances (and my health insurance dealings are extensive). All of the planning. All of the responsibility.
How can i cope with work? I don’t know. The fact that it’s a structured environment means i can always read the docs, or ask someone, when i don’t remember something. But i don’t know.
I remember some stuff. It’s not amnesia. And this makes it harder. If someone never remembers anything, that’s tough, really tough to deal with. But at least it’s consistent. Someone who *mostly* doesn’t remember stuff, but does sometimes; that just comes across as not caring. Not giving a damn. It doesn’t matter how much they explain how they can’t help it. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself they don’t mean it. Eventually the evidence you see repeatedly is too much. Too hurtful.
Priorities
How do you define love? One of the definitions is putting the needs and wishes of your loved ones above your own needs and wishes. This led me to the following priority list:
- Noirin
- The relationship
- Myself
The logic for the ordering of 1. vs 2. is simple; if Noirin isn’t doing well, the relationship can’t be doing well. Unfortunately, i never applied the same logic to 2. vs 3. until it was too late. Far too late.
How does this screw things up? I censored my emotions and opinions for the sake of the relationship. A simple example. Noirin likes cooking. When she cooks, she usually wants my company, so i sit in the kitchen while she cooks. I find this really tedious, and hence frustrating. But i would squash those feelings, would not allow myself to feel them. I would sit there, because i thought it was the loving thing to do.
It turns out, if you censor your emotions for a long enough time, you stop having any. You forget how to feel. You’re numb inside. You rarely feel anything, and when you do, you feel guilty about it. But over time, your subconscious gets filled to overflowing with frustration and resentment. And this shows through the numbness, through everything you do to be nice.
Noirin loves me, i tell Noirin that i love her, but it’s a purely rational gesture, it’s never heartfelt, it can never have emotion behind it. I talk based on commitment, not connection. It comes across as cold. And the emotions i do feel are destructive, negative, so i stop talking about them. Noirin can sense them anyway, and it hurts her.
I’m depressed, have been for years. I never realised. I saw a psychiatrist here for 6 months because of how badly the relationship was going. He said “well you’re clearly not depressed”. We went together to another psych for one session. He said “well you’re clearly chronically depressed”. Colour me confused. But the next tuesday, i was in work when i realised two things:
- I’d spent most of monday and tuesday wanting to go home to bed, curl up into a little ball and cry.
- This was normal for me.
So yeah, the second psych was absolutely right. I see him regularly now. I’m on 3 different antidepressants. I’m on the road to recovery. I’ve realised that i’ve been censoring emotion, and that’s what’s making me so angry inside. But these things take time to fix. A long time. And time is not infinite. Living with a depressed person is incredibly draining. And eventually it got to be too much.
Where does that leave us?
How Noirin lasted so long, i’ll never understand. She’s amazing. Towards the end, we finally got to the point where we understood each other, what we were both going through. The breakup was gentle. Noirin couldn’t go on any longer, i couldn’t ask her to sacrifice herself any more for the sake of the relationship that was so destructive for both of us. Living on the edge for so long has torn us both up, and Noirin has had a rougher time than me (partially because i simply don’t remember so much). If she’s at breaking point, and she is a higher priority than the relationship, then it’s over. It’s as simple as that.
I waited till the following thursday before i told my parents. I was hoping against all probability that something might happen, something might change, that Noirin would change her mind. Then i realised that this wasn’t fair on Noirin. Putting all the responsibility on her, yet again.
On friday, i realised something more. I couldn’t go back either. If Noirin returned on sunday and told me she wanted to try one more time, i’d have to tell her no. I need time to figure out how to be myself again. I need time to work through this depression. And i can’t do it inside a relationship. The stresses of trying to live up to a role i just can’t cope with is a big part of the problem that’s brought me to this point.
We’re still friends, we still talk to each other. It’s as amicable as it can be under the circumstances. The title of this blog post is from a comedy sketch we saw on our last cruise. The comedian was painting the picture of middle-aged couples separating with utmost civility and mutual understanding. It amused us greatly at the time, i look back on it as bitter-sweet.
I hope that in the future, where we’re both doing much much better, it’s possible we might get back together. But i can’t live my life centered around that hope. I spent the last 6 months of this relationship hoping things would get better, and it’s killed me. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick”. In the meantime, we’re working on being friends. And if we get that figured out, maybe we can work on being more than friends. But that’s a long way down the road.
***Update***
Noirin has just posted her own take on the situation.
Comments»
it’s a long and difficult road – forward.
If you remember just one thing, remember that you have friends. Friends who have e-mail, Skype and mobile phones that you can call any day, any time. This was true and remains true – and is recorded here in case you need to be reminded in the future
Best of luck to you both with however you decide to progress.
Remember that your friends and colleagues are there for you. There is more than one relationship in your life, and not all the others require so much sacrifice from the participants. Let us know how we can help, ok?
From one stranger to another:
Be open to the idea that you’re not that far from normal. Most guys forget many things, which makes the moments we do remember something all the more special. If you remember stuff at work your brain is functioning and it may just be that your work got the mindshare which is common.
Stop assuming that you are to blame or are somehow defective; it kills your ego at the very moment you need it most.
Try get off the meds asap, you need to hit bottom, feel miserable for a while and get a new perspective on life moving forward; medicating that process away prevents you from getting where you need to go first – you do *not* want to build a dependency. You are not ill, you have very good reasons to feel like crying all the time – your marriage just hit the rocks! Discuss this with your psychiatrist.
Know that you will feel horrible for about a year; that you can’t escape it, this too is life. At the end of it, when the intense emotions have worn off, you *will* be a stronger man for it.
Last but not least, don’t rebound, get used to being single; you’re in no shape to get romantically involved, you’ll only feel guilty and your ego does not need it.
hth
thanks Steve, Your words and willingness to share this journey is amazing. My thoughts and blessings are with you both. Keep working your way through this – it will be worth it.
Congrats for having to strength to write a post like this.
BTW, I always thought that men in general always forget what they are being asked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFd2bXch6b4
Beautifully written. Every marriage has it’s hardships. Some can’t make it through. But, that is what it is…a unique circumstance. I love how you aren’t judging yourself too harshly. You’ve made me reflect on my own marriage quite a bit. Thanks for that. Well wishes for your grand movements forward.
Kind regards,
[...] has already published his take on what went wrong, and how it could have gone this badly. Many of you have responded, and I love [...]
May I ask if you have had yourself checked for sleep apnea? I had similar brain fog issues, and sleep apnea was the culprit.
Patrick: that was one of the many things i hoped might be wrong, but i had a sleep study done, and apparently i sleep fine, despite the fact that i’m always tired (and have been for 9 years). But thank you for the suggestion.
Steve
I fell very identified by all you say, and I’m almost on the same position tough it’s earlier for me.
I suppose that like me, you fell life’s going fast and that you never have time, while being tired all the time, apart from sleeping enough something that can help is meditation and doing things you like, I learned that the thing that took more time and made more tired was lying in bed or in couch thinking about how much stuff I have to do and how hard it is. I’m learning to DO stuff when I think like this, and it works for me at least.
Also I recommend you David Burns – Feeling Good It’s a great book to understand depression, how it works and how to deal with it, it is supposed to be used between therapist sessions, I told my psicologist I was reading it and he told me it was a very good idea, that anything I try to do is good just because of the attitude.
Also, Thanks for your post it made me understand some things I haven’t thinked about.