Archive for May, 2006

Walking home at 3am

I do this. People have complained extensively about it in the past. Presumably because I am female and therefore walk around with a massive neon sign over my head that says “Please kill and eat me, for I am in fact made of chocolate and strawberries, and do anything people tell me to do”

Leaving aside some glaring biological inconsistencies, lets start with exactly why this attitude is a pile of utter horse shit. Firstly, its up to me. If I’m stupid enough to do something blatantly inadvisable, then I think I can safely state that its my own goddamn problem. Not yours, nor anyone else’s. And it does not endear you to me in the slightest when you make it clear that you consider me incapable of performing this, the simplest of tasks, on my own.

I am not impressed by your concern. Or your guilt, for that matter. People have used arguments in the past which run along the lines of “But I’ll feel bad if anything happens to you, would you really want me to feel bad?” I now have a completely just and honest response. I don’t give a damn. If you choose to allow yourself to feel guilty for something not your responsibility, then that is fuck all to do with me. In fact, how dare you use your own emotional bullshit to try and force me into doing something.

So don’t bother insisting. By all means offer me a lift home if you genuinely wish to, I can assure you the offer will not go unappreciated. The fact that I occasionally like walking alone doesn’t exclude all other forms of travel and certainly doesn’t mean I hate when people offer to drive me. But anyone who attempts to pull the “there’s no point in walking because I’ll drive along beside you” stunt again, will soon find themselves crawling along at 5mph on the busiest road I can find at 3am.

And now to prepare myself for the inevitable angry comment from my mother on why I really shouldn’t do these things. Sigh.

There are some things people should just know

Like, for example, that no-one does a study just to discover how many arachnids are consumed by the average person in a year. This has been a sticking point between a friend of mine and I in the past. I am aware that this “fact” has been purported as true around the internet for years. That doesn’t mean it make any fucking sense whatsoever.

People are not very clever. Or rather, cleverness no longer seems to be a barrier to being fooled by utterly ridiculous nonsense. Is the world so fantastical now that we can no longer discern reality? Take for example, the spiders.

First off, no-one has ever decided to do a study on this particular topic. Do I know this for sure? No, I must admit that I do not. But I will officially bet fifty quid right here and now that no such study has ever occurred, or produced any, not to mind conclusive, results. Anyone? I’ll give you a month to dig out any information on one. If I’m wrong, I’ll apologise profusely to a certain swedish person, and give you the money, but I somehow doubt it.

A pity really because what a wonderful thing it would have been to recruit for. “We’d like to monitor you every night for a year, along with a hundred others”… “Why?”… “To see if you should happen to eat any spiders while asleep, and how many on average that works out as per person. Its for the good of mankind, really”…

Or perhaps one day a group of scientists were conducting a sleep study, which for some reason was taking place in a completely open and normal home environment, and suddenly one of them realised that one sleeper had eaten a spider, and that it could be essential to the future of science to count the number of spiders that everyone ate and thus calculate the average consumption rate. Uh huh. Yeah.

So why is it so damn easy for people to believe this? Why do people take random completely unrealistic nonsense, and behave as if it is a foregone conclusion? I’m a cynic, and I don’t believe things unless they make sense. I have come to the inevitable conclusion that people do not think. Perhaps they feel they do not have to, as long as someone is there to think for them. By definition, this idea is grossly flawed, but to people who don’t think, that fact is unlikely to become apparent.

I suspect that gullibility is a contagious disease.

Sweden, surfing, Sofie (these are unrelated topics)

Last weekend, I went out friday night with the princess, one of my esteemed housemates, and celebrated her birthday. As usual, she spent a short time encouraging me to talk to men, which as always was a spectacular disappointment on her part.

Last week also heralded the return of Sofie, the hot french chick mentioned in my first London posts. She has returned with the following goals in mind, find a a job, find a place to live, find a man. If she finds the correct man, apparently all 3 may be accomplished simultaneously. On the job front, should the basic plan of seeking a millionaire fall through somehow, she has decided to become a stripper. I eagerly await development of this storyline, and will doubtless be fascinated by the results of her first few weeks here.

In other news, I have decided to go to sweden for a week in July, for an adventure, and next monday I am being sent to dublin for work. Oh, and at the end of the month I will be in Lahinch, learning to surf. I am nursing a vague hope that surfing and longboarding will have enough skills in common to prevent me from actually drowning. Is this truly the case? If I cease posting after May 29th, then you will know that the answer is a resounding “no”

The Internet: World Wide Wankfest

The following things suck so deeply, that I may not be capable of putting them in words.


Why? Because they are all “networking” websites. The sole purpose of which is to make new acquaintances via the medium of that sprawling tentacled monstrosity we lovingly call the web. What on earth could be wrong with making new acquaintances through old friends, one might innocently inquire?

Well, first off, and trust me I’m warming up, its because an astounding number of the people who attempt to contact you through these sites invariably end up being people who do not, in fact, speak English. Now, I have no problem with people not speaking English. There exist approximately 6 million languages of which I myself am outrageously ignorant. However, I do not leave comments in English on people’s fucking Portuguese homepages, so I completely fail to understand why a host of morons expect me to read their ranting in a language I don’t speak, and then add them to my “friends list” or whatever the fuck it might be called.

Furthermore, like so many things on the internet, they are extremely easy for even the most retarded of individuals to grasp. This makes them a compelling imbecile magnet, so that anyone who might actually have been using the site for its originally intended purpose is very quickly tired of being constantly bombarded by huge waves of idiocy. (Yes, much like sound, idiocy travels in waves. Sometimes you can actually see them emanating from the people wearing both baseball caps and hoodies simultaneously)

Then of course, they sweep the net in a massive on-going fad that grabs an entire generations worth (generation in internet terms meaning “about 6 months”) of users. If any more than 3 of these users is of your personal acquaintance then suddenly this new annoying piece of shit website suddenly becomes the only means through which they can be contacted, forcing you to set up an account there purely to keep in contact, or be complained at for your discernment between a useful networking tool, and a pile of utter tripe.

Sometimes I really wish certain concepts were tangible enough to be firebombed.